Right Brained Gal

The Lonely Road of Chemotherapy

I had my sixth round of chemotherapy on Thursday, my last till after the mastectomy, and it was no different than the previous other five.  You go into a room, a needle is placed in your arm and a few bags of chemicals slowly creep into your body.  The whole process takes about six hours, and afterward you feel very little effect other than your brain seems to be functioning in slow motion. The worst part about the whole thing is that you have to take steroids the day before, the day of, and the day after and they make you want to climb the walls. Besides being wired, your body craves food even though your mind says no.

The bottom line is that my body is really messed up and there is nothing I can do about it except hold on tight and go along for the ride. From what I hear, I am luckier than most people who undergo chemo, because I don't get nauseous.  But that doesn't mean it is a joy ride.  By the third day, the chemicals take my body hostage and I get tired, a little disoriented, depressed, full of self pity and worst of all, water tastes like poison.  My taste buds are scorched, and food has a chemical taste to it.  I am constantly thirsty, but can't stand the taste of anything liquid (and believe me I have tried everything) and instead of not wanting to eat, my stomach craves food. Unfortunately it is comfort food.  Cheese, butter, pizza, bread, sweets, ice cream and anything else that is sure to clog your arteries are the only things I can tolerate.

My defense mechanism has been green smoothies. Thank God for my juicer and access to lots of fresh green vegetables, which enables me to down about five green cocktails a day. I swear they are what keep me going and are the reason I am as healthy as I have been during this dreadful ordeal.

I have also been on hiatus from life's complications, because stress is a definite buzz kill when you have so very little to be cheerful about.  I don't even think of the problems of everyday living, because this isn't really living, it's coasting.  Coasting down the highway of survival, doing what you need to do, but knowing that this is an overwhelming ordeal that is bigger than me, and in the hands of something greater than myself.  I have faith and that is the most important thing. 

It's a Girl, So Let's Celebrate with Pink Cupcakes

I recently helped throw a baby shower for a dear friend and would like to share some photos of the great spread.  We cheated and had it catered by a company that does made-to-order omelets. 
It was held at the beach so we really didn't have to decorate very much.  It was a beautiful day and the ocean was a lot more blue than it looks on this photo. 
The hit of the party were these fabulous cupcakes made by my favorite new cupcake shop Sweet and Saucy. The cupcakes tasted as good as they looked. The new mother-to-be received a lot of great gifts, no one got drunk on the mimosas, and everyone ate too much.  It was a success.

The turkey is all gone, can Christmas be that far behind?

I had a quiet Thanksgiving with my daughter and son-in-law, and for the first time ever, we ate in a restaurant and didn't have turkey. It was a beautiful day in Santa Monica, with the temperature feeling more like the Fourth of July instead of the 26th of November.  I'm going to have to make a turkey dinner next week though, because of my annual deficiency of turkey, potatoes and dressing needs to be addressed. I did make apple and pumpkin pies for friends and the homeless, but none for me, so I couldn't spend the whole weekend overdosing on sweets. 

I have a lot to be thankful for this year, but there is also a lot of sadness in my life.  My way to combat it, is to keep super busy and never give myself the chance to sit around and feel sorry for myself.  I did get to spend some time alone on Friday because I hate to go out into the madness that is Black Friday, and it felt so good.  I filled my hours with football and the only time I felt sad was on Saturday night during the Notre Dame game. Luckily, I was out with friends at a sushi bar watching the game, so I had distractions. It's really been hard being an Irish fan the last couple of years, and to make matters worse, my Steelers aren't doing so well this year either.  At least I can be thankful that Notre Dame will probably be getting a new coach very soon. 

This was the yummy dessert we had for Thanksgiving dinner.  I don't know exactly what it was, but it did contain pumpkin and chocolate, which was good enough for me.

Grateful Every Day

I've been having internet problems (thank you Verizon) and have been so busy that I haven't had time to blog lately. Hopefully this week will be better and I can get back to my regular routine.  Since I haven't been on the internet so much, I have been able to get things done, including designing and printing my Christmas cards.  For the first time in years, I will get them out before the new year, or in one case, Easter. I am starting to get into the Christmas spirit and know that this will be the best holiday season ever.  

Happy Birthday Erin

Light Up My Life

Thanksgiving is two weeks from today which means that Christmas is not that far away. All the stores are decorated, we are being inundated with Christmas commercials on television, and the outdoor ice skating rink is set up in the middle of Santa Monica despite our 70 degree weather.  Nordstorm's is once again  proving how classy  they are by holding out until after Thanksgiving before putting up the Christmas lights. I have decided that I am really going to enjoy this Christmas and do some of the projects I have wanted to do for years, but never seem to get around to because I don't start till the week before Christmas. I have already started by making the lace covered candle holders. They turned out pretty good and so easy to make.

My list of Christmas projects that may or not be accomplished by December 25.

1. Design, print and mail my holiday cards by December 1, 2009.

2. Go down town to the flower mart to get wholesale greenery and make arrangements and centerpieces for myself  and friends.

3. Get all of my presents by the first of December and mail them way ahead of time.  Since I make most of them, I need to get them done by Thanksgiving.

4. Throw a baby shower the Sunday before Thanksgiving.

5. Do volunteer work at the Homeless Shelter and help with the childrens' Christmas party.

6. Actually learn how to do Christmas cookies with fondant icing and make some Martha Stewart worthy cookies to give as presents.  I have a cookie making session set up with friends, one of which went to the Cordon Bleu Cooking school in London, so something tells me this will be a good thing.

7. Make myself go to a lot of parties this year.

8. Go to see the Nutcracker and since I already have the tickets, it's a sure thing,

9. Help a friend move on December 5.

10. Plan a trip to Santa Barbara with my daughters.

11. Eat healthy so that I don't get sick over the holidays. Also hope that my family doesn't get sick so I be around them.

12. Hook up with old friends that I have been avoiding because I don't know how they will react to the cancer.

13. Make the holidays as much fun as I can and not dwell on how bad I have it, when there are so many others out there who are so much worse off than I am.

14. Most of all not spend money I don't have, to buy things I or other's don't need.  This is where my talent comes in. I love making hand made things, only hope the recipients enjoy them as much as I enjoy making them.

15. Go to mid-might mass at St. Monica's church in Santa Monica.  I went last year and it was the perfect way to spend Christmas Eve. It's a late evening, but I live only a few blocks away, so it's worth it.

16.  See the faces of my Godson and his siblings when they open their gifts on Christmas morning.  I think Santa is going to bring a few Thomas Train and Star Wars toys which will add to the excitement.

17. Make my traditional gingerbread pancakes and cranberry butter for breakfast Christmas morning.

18.  Most of all I am truly looking forward to spending some quality time with my daughters and hanging out with them enjoying the company of the people I love the most in this world. 

19. Be thankful I am alive and able to celebrate another Christmas!

Recipe of the Week

Living in the Los Angeles area, the latest rage in cooking is the Korean BBQ. There is an area known as Korea Town and they have by far the best BBQ restaurants, especially the ones where you do the cooking at your table.  I have tried to duplicate the ribs and have gone through dozens of recipes until I came upon this on the the Food Network.  You have to cook these on a grill, and if you can't find an Asian pear, a regular one will work.  The hardest part of the recipe is finding the flank style ribs and having the butcher cutting them really thin.  I am lucky that I live near some Asian markets, so it isn't too much of a problem, although I have heard a few groans when I've requested them.  I always order a lot to make it worth their while. That way I have an excuse for having people over to eat all the ribs.

I made these tonight and one of my friends who is a fireman, loved them and asked for the recipe.  After all, firemen are the best looking and best cooks in town, so needless to say I was flattered.  Bon Appetit.

Charley Harper Engagement Calendar

I am a great fan of calendar books, in fact I have faithfully used them since I was in college. I use it more as an engagement/diary and document my days so I can go back and see what I was doing/feeling at certain times in my life.

I was excited when I found this Charley Harper one at my local Marshall's, not only because it was about 40% off, but also because he is one of my all time favorite graphic artists. Since he died two years ago, his popularity has grown to the point that you see his work everywhere. Even Old Navy has some of his children's books and flash cards.
Now that I have this book that I love, I can only hope that I can fill it with good, happy, and positive things.

You Are What You Eat or Drink

While I was having my first chemo treatment, i met a woman, also undergoing treatment, who proceeded to tell me that I had to start eating healthier. She insisted that I cut out sugar, meat and dairy products (the staples of my diet) and invest in a juicer. She is a nurse who works in a holistic clinic in Beverly Hills and told me that people pay a lot of money for the advice she was giving me. Not to mention she had the attitude of a high school cheerleader.  I knew she was trying to help, but at the time I was feeling too sorry for myself to consider giving up the only things I had to look forward to. 

Thankfully, chemo doesn't make me sick or nauseous, but it definitely influences my eating habits. The first week, water has a terrible taste and I can't force myself to drink it. This is a big problem for someone who loves to drink water and has an aversion to sweet drinks. I never drink sodas, diet or regular and I'm not going to start now, so weak lemonade and cranberry juice have become my drinking buddies. I also crave all the comfort foods: potatoes, pasta, cheese and most of all, sweets. Needless to say, I have gained weight since I started chemo. So now I am on the bandwagon of healthy living and I finally went out and got a juicer.  I am now a bartender of nutritious drinks, and have learned how to make the best vegetable cocktails in the world. I now know how to marry fruits and vegetables, so that they produce a juice that I can drink without wanting to puke. Now if I could only figure out a way to make it a color that isn't a brownish green, I'd be happy.

If you know someone who has cancer, or who doesn't want to get it, I would suggest recommending getting a juice machine and convincing them it doesn't taste as bad as you think. I got the Breville on Overstock.com and am so happy because it is so powerful and more important, easy to clean. You just feed it whole cucumbers, celery, broccoli and apples and it spits out the peels and leaves you with a not so appetizing looking, but healthy drink.  I swear I feel 100 times better after I drink it, and you can make enough for two or three days at a time. Oh, I forgot to mention that it also fills me up, so I don't eat nearly as much.  Now if I could only give up cupcakes, I'd be a lot happier.

Thyme Cafe and Market

A new restaurant has opened in Santa Monica so of course I had to check it out. Thyme Cafe and Market is a small, gourmet market that serves only breakfast and lunch but has incredible take out items. Think healthy, with a reasonable price tag. I met some friends for lunch yesterday and had three of the best salads ever.
I was so proud of myself for eating healthy but I had to white knuckle it past the display of desserts that looked so tempting. It is so hard to eat healthy in a town that has a bakery on every street corner. I don't understand it because Santa Monica is known for its healthy, fit lifestyle and everyone I see is in extremely good shape. Even the homeless people look like they could run a marathon. If you live in Santa Monica, I highly recommend this place.

No Where to Run

Lately, I have been running around like there is no tomorrow. Do you need me to pick your kids up from school? No problem.  Need something from Costco? I'm going there anyway. Want to go to lunch? Can't wait to catch up. If I don't keep busy, I will sit at home on the computer all day, convincing myself that I don't have the energy to do anything else. So far it has been working and I am busier than I have ever been. I know this isn't going to last forever and sooner or later I will be forced to slow down. I don't want to slow down. I don't want to be one of those people who has to miss so much because they have to take it easy. Rest has never been a part of my vocabulary.

I sit in the many waiting rooms I have been hanging out in lately, and I look at all the people and see nothing but stagnation in their faces. I want to live, but I want to do it on my terms. I want to be able to stand being around myself, and not make myself and everyone else miserable. I don't want to pretend that everything is OK, but I don't want to dwell on the fact that things aren't that great.  As Mark Twain used to say "the best way to cheer yourself up, is to cheer up someone else."

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Today I had to have some tests done, and since there was an Ikea nearby, I decided to go and get the new desk chair I've wanted for a while.  I wanted a white one, and Ikea was the only place I could find it. Once I got there I was pleasantly  surprised to see a tent set up outside of the store, filled with all things Christmas.
The nice thing about the tent is that if you only wanted Christmas decorations, you wouldn't have to go through the maze that is Ikea. True to form, all the decorations are inexpensive, with clean designs. I personally think their Christmas decorations are as nice as Crate and Barrel, at one third the price. They had a great selection, but I have a feeling that in a few weeks, it will be empty. People in Southern California love this store and spend all day walking around.  The fact that you can't easily get out unless you do see the whole store has something to do with it.  You can even have breakfast, lunch and dinner in between shopping, and still have money left over for a new bookcase.Ikea definitely isn't for everyone, and I have cursed myself every time I try to assemble something I have bought there.  Unfortunately, I always end up with extra screws. which is never a good thing.  The good news is that there is nothing to be assembled in the Christmas tent. The bad news is that I did buy my desk chair, which will surely be a challenge to assemble.They have a great selection of unusual lights that you can't find anywhere else. 
I fell in love with these fiber optic ones and had to buy a set since they were almost sold out.  Now I guess I have to get a tree after all. These lights are too cool to not use.

Welcome to My Kitchen

Cooking has always been a big part of my life. I became a self proclaimed pizza chef at the age of seven, and even having cancer hasn't slowed me down, although it has convinced me to go for healthier choices. Nothing gives me more pleasure than cooking for other people.  Last week I made some Australian dishes for some friends who are originally from there and those who visited recently. I made the beef pies and sausage rolls from a Donna Hay cookbook and even though they were way too heavy for me, they made the Aussies homesick. Everyone loved the pies, but the sausage rolls were just so so.  No offense to Australians, but I prefer pizza any day.

Happy Halloween

Halloween in Santa Monica is wild! Had the best time ever with my little munchkins.  Life is wonderful when viewed through a child's eyes.

Illustration Friday - Fast

This week's topic for Illustration Friday is fast.

Illustration Friday - Frozen

I haven't done Illustration Friday in ages.  This week's topic is Frozen and this illustration is a metaphor for my life right now.  Even though I am frozen in fear and uncertainty, I know that come spring, I will be reborn to a new beginning. The battle against cancer is a hard one, but if you have faith, anything can happen.  

It's Raining, It's Pouring

Tuesday was the annual first rain of the season in Southern California and true to form, it exceeded expectations. Since it hasn't rained since last April, you can imagine the accumulation of oil on the freeways and the mess caused when the rain comes.  There were record number of auto accidents and the commute home was triple the time it normally takes. People who live here don't realize that it takes longer for a car to stop on wet surfaces, and are totally surprised when they crash into the car in front of them, going sixty miles per hour.  All the while texting their agent or personal trainer. 

I personally like the change, especially when I don't have to drive anywhere that day. Of course I almost fell on my ass about ten times, because everything is slippery when you are rain deprived.  Not to mention how exciting it is to observe storm watch on every television channel, every ten minutes, and the the big question  -  we will have mud slides or not?  (Luckily we didn't this time.)  The rain and cooler weather do remind you that we can actually have a season here from time to time instead of the relentless sunshine and heat. Plus it gives people something to talk about, not to mention the fact that so many people can legitimately wear boots. After two days of suffering, the weather is going to 90˚ on Thursday.  Go figure.

Little People Are the Most Fun

These are some of the reasons I love my life.

Another Beautiful Day in Paradise

Today was a beautiful day in Santa Monica and I took full advantage of it by going to the Farmer's Market with a friend and her two boys, one of them being the love of my life, my Godson.  Today I enjoyed the sun, the ocean, and friendly people.  I know in the past, I have experienced days like this, only to be annoyed and miserable because of something that wasn't going my way.  Depression was always such a dominant part of my body chemistry, a veil that covered me from head to toe, it couldn't possibly let something as frivolous as sunshine in. Now that I have a real reason to be depressed, I tend to be less hard on myself and more accepting of who I am.  I realize now that I am never going to win the lottery, live an easy life, nor have the life I thought I deserved.  Happiness now comes to me in small ways. The three dollar sunflowers, the little presents people have been kind enough to give me, a little boy's excitement when he goes into the pet store, and the quietness of walking along the beach in the early hours.  Life is not as complicated as I once thought, but then it isn't as easy either.  The words of wisdom that say it all: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If it's October, it must be Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I can't believe we are already six days into October, and summer is just a fading memory. I have always been aware of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month because of the influx of all things pink, but this year I can't help but have bittersweet feelings about all the media hype. I have participated in many Races for the Cure and have the ribbons to prove it, but never have I been attached to the cause in a way that I felt that I could make a difference.

Now, because I have no other choice, I am aware of the disease first hand, and it's not a place I want to be at this time. I have just had my third round of chemotherapy and even though I have not been nauseated or have thrown up once, I can still feel the toll it is taking on my body. I have been stronger than most, but I know I have a long road ahead and nothing about it is easy. I have learned how to live in the moment as never before and I must admit is a lot more peaceful than worrying about things I have no control over.  I wasted so much of my life living in the past and worrying about the future, and only now do I see how crippling it was.  Now I can finally be selfish and not do what I don't want to do and start doing things my way instead of trying to please everyone else.  I wasted so much time worrying about if others liked me, that I forgot to be a friend to myself. I think I needed me more than anyone.